I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
