There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
