The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
