I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
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