I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
