Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
