Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
