Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
