I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
