it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
