at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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