is your mom at the bar?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
