im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Never joke about your clitoris.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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