the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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