you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
