I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
