Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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