Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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