I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
