The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
