he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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