You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
