so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
