i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
