I'm eating all of the evidence.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
