if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
