Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
