i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
