mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
