i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
