A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
