note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize
