I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
