i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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