my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Green mimosas i think yes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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