i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He better not be in your backpack
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
