she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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