Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
