why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
