two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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