Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You are the jesus of drinking
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think i got beer on your cat.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
