I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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