why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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