I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
