last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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