I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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