Just took my morning after pill in the library
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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