I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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