I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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