Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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