Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
