I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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