Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
